I’ve been gone for a while and here’s why.
About 10 months ago my life totally changed. It was the highest point in my life. Nothing could be better or break my stride. You know how they say floating on cloud nine? Well it wasnt quite floating, but it sure felt like it. Then one day out of the blue it hit an all time low. Sometimes life throws you a curve ball that you’re just not ready for. You know when you have made plans for the future. Never thinking something could go wrong to change the dynamic of a well thought out path. Well mine did.
In late summer my parents came to visit us here in Europe. Although they’ve travelled many times to visit me, it had been the first since moving to Germany. We were so excited to have them and share some of the plans we had on the way. My dad is very much into infrastructure and old building which Europe as a lot of. So it was only natural for us to take them to some of our favourite places. Little cities, century old churches, chateaus, cathedrals you name it. We hit a few modern spots for my mom who is more into the arts. We were all enjoying our time together and the love flowed.
A week later the hubby and I got the best news. We would be parents. No words could explain the joy I had inside. A dream I’ve desired for so long suddenly would come true. We couldn’t wait to share the news. I told my parents who were ecstatic and relieved at the same time. Being an only child, it would be on me to bless them with a grand baby. I always joked and asked how about a puppy instead. They never found that to funny.
It was still a well-kept secret. Even though my dad was itching to share, he kept his excitement to himself. All he talked about was his grandchild. Making plans for summer vacations and lessons he wanted to teach. It became his world.
Fast forward to the day before thanksgiving, I called my dad that morning as I mostly did. Just to chitchat and find out the latest happenings there. You see, my dad had retired early to follow his dream of Living by the ocean, going fishing now and then and opening a little food joint on the sand. A dream which we both shared. All of which he had been doing now for the past year. On this morning after our chat, he went out on the beach, took in the sunrise, then collapsed.
Here I am clear across the world, clueless to what had happen. All I remember now was a phone call a few hours later, talking to my dad briefly then another call. And just like that my dad was gone.
Then I collapsed too.
From that moment what was meant to be a joyous time was filled with complications and doubt. I spent a lot of time in and out the hospital, unable to attend his funeral. Ended up having surgery, put on bedrest etc. Although my husband was by my side, depression and hopelessness soon settled in. What about the plans we made for the future. I was feeling lost. For the first time I didn’t have my dad to call for advise on getting through what was happening in my life. As a child I could never imagine a world without my hero. As an adult, it still remain true. My dad was to out live me.
Crying and emotions complicated my pregnancy more. But the more i tried to suppress them, the more they came and so did my little one a few months to early. My only hope was to think on my last conversation with my dad and the words he said to me, “Be strong my child”. My one consolation however is my son, my world changer.
So here we are today on this journey called life. A beautiful child, a dream to live on and lots of fond memories of his grandfather to share. I know my dad is looking down with that big smile and that chesty laugh. It’s still hard not having my dad around, but my mom reminds me that he is always here. Life goes on. It doesn’t stop because your heart has been broken. You just have to find another way to live your new reality.
My blog now may take on a slightly different form. Still lots of food. But now with other exciting adventures.